confessions of a high school swimmer

I took Lily to the pool for the first time the other day. I was expecting a much bigger reaction than what I got. She loves to be in the tub, and she used to just smile and giggle the whole time. Now at 6 months it seems like she is telling me, "whatever mom, being in the water is fun, but it's no big deal." I had expected being in a swimming pool would rekindle a little bit of that previous excitement. Then again, we were indoors in the Snow College pool, which is not quite as warm as bath water is. And there wasn't any sun to warm us. I think she had more fun eating the tulle skirt of her cute little swimsuit.

She stared at her surroundings for a few minutes before she took an interest in what we were doing. I did get a few smiles out of Lily while twirling her around in the water, and walking up and down the pool while she kicked her legs experimentally. The biggest smiles and giggles were when she caught sight of the diving toys a couple of kids nearby were playing with. I'll have to remember to bring toys with us next time. I think she enjoyed it overall- until it was time to get out. Being cold was a new concept to her, and she had a very perplexed expression and emitted funny grunting noises as we shivered our way to the locker room and a hot shower, where Lily entertained herself by sticking her hands in the stream of water and kicking her legs.

I dressed her and laid her back in the stroller to sleep while I got back in the pool for a little "me" time. I didn't have the foresight to bring my cap and goggles with me, but the deep end was roped off anyway which cut the pool in half. Lap swimming is only from 5-8 a.m., and I'll be darned if I'm going to get up that early to go exercise. Which is strange considering in high school I used to get up at 4:30 in the morning to attend swim practice. I guess being on a team and having friends to swim with makes a difference.

I used to think that it didn't matter what team I was on, that just being on a team was enough motivation for me to swim my best. When I started practice with my college team, I discovered just how much my high school team meant to me, and how much I miss that camraderie. The truth is, even though I hated it at the time, I actually miss all those sadistic things my coach made us do- banana splits, push ups, sit ups, lactate sets- and my nemesis, the "cromwells", which is basically crouching down and jumping in the air-repeatedly and quickly. My legs wore out after two or three. But even through the hardest practices, we somehow had enough fun to make up for it. And spring training, our "hell week", usually ended up being the best week of the season overall.

Every once in awhile I have an epiphany about some drill or exercise we'd work on, and have a "D'oh!" feeling as the point of the exercise would finally sink in. When I was in the pool while Lily slept, I finally figured out the proper technique of sculling (it only took me nine years, I grumbled). I wonder how much better I could have done if only I'd figured these things out in my first year of swim. It wasn't until towards the end of my swim career that I learned how to keep my legs steady while doing the breaststroke. I was one of the people my coach lightheartedly describes as "breaststroke retards."

I still have dreams about meets and practices, but now they are of me returning as an alumnus to join my team in an important competition. It is like those movies where a retired hero is called upon for a mission that only he or she can complete. I wouldn't say I was the star of the team, certainly, but I wasn't half bad. And the pool was one place where I felt like I truly belonged. I could come to practice full of anxiety, and be able to turn my emotion into motion.

People may say swimming up and down, up and down is boring, but it gave me time to think, and a positive outlet for my energy. Water is amazing. The touch and feel of it, the challenge of pushing through it without allowing it to enter your lungs, of learning through overuse the muscles you didn't know were there. And strength you never knew you had. It was so long ago since I was swimming consistently that it is easy to forget that part of me ever existed. Everytime I get in the water, it comes rushing back. Once you learn, you never forget it.

It was something I needed to remember, that I am more than just a mom now. And if I ever did have the chance to go back- just for one day- to my old high school team, I would give it my very best- a best that has grown stronger over the years, because I understand now what the purpose was behind all of the drilling, the exercises, the team building activities, and all the little things I cut corners on because I hated doing them. Not that I didn't try my best back then. I just have a broader perspective now.

I wish I had the opportunity when I was a kid to be on a swim team. I had wanted to all my life, and I didn't have the chance until I was in high school. One of the first things Lily will learn from me is how to swim, and while I will allow her to learn whatever sport she desires, I hope that she will choose to swim. It made a difference in who I am. And it will give us something to bond over when she reaches those dreaded teenage years.

I think the thing I miss the most, probably why I still dream about swimming, is that I felt like I was truly a part of something. I was in the best shape of my life. While I have been a part of other things since then, very little has come close to affecting me the way that being a part of Cathedral City Swim was. I miss it, but I am forever glad for what I accomplished during my time there.

First Easter

Lily's first Easter was marked by a new milestone... sitting! she sat on her own for the first time. at least for about 30 seconds. Still wobbly but she is getting stronger. And she is getting so big! she is starting to wear the 9 month size now... I need to go shopping for her soon :)

We started her on solids too. She's been wanting to eat (read: nurse) every two hours, so I thought it might help her stay fuller longer. There are a few indicators that she is ready. She tries to stick everything in her mouth, she sits almost independently, she watches us when we eat and tries to get our food. Lily does really well with a spoon. Hardly any food comes back out... but Mommy also has a lot of practice with spoon feeding. It's kind of sad, really; I am excited to see her doing things on her own, but that means she is getting bigger and starting to grow up :(

My Secret

for the past three years, I've been working on a book. It will probably never be big, which is okay, but it is something that makes me happy, a secret project, always at the back of my mind. the concept literally came to me one day as I was writing in my journal. I let it flow, and soon I had the makings of a wonderful story. I haven't made much progress since, as it stands now it is short and repetitive, but I bring the idea up every once in awhile, and slowly the knots are being smoothed out. Often it is wonderful and trying moments when I work on it. I think I may have developed an introduction the other day, and I am excited and a little nervous to pick it up again and write it in. This is the furthest I've ever gone with an idea of mine, and I have several more that may or may not ever come to pass. it is something that I feel confident in, even if no one else ever comes to appreciate it.

I will need another person(s) prolly to help me with the story flow and clarity. My thoughts tend to be all over the place, and sometimes vague. It may be a very long time before I am at a point where another person can be brought in. Maybe it will be sooner rather than later.

Slacker vs. Obsessor

I'm turning into a slacker mom, or perhaps my nesting instincts have worn off. and it's not just my blog. the dishes sit in the sink for a few days, sometimes I can't remember when I last showered, and my brush gets used, oh, about once a week. As I was walking to the mailbox down the street today, I realized- I've turned into the frumpy housewife. And this is only my first child. what is going to happen in two or three babies' time? the HORROR. I mean, I wasn't exactly a makeup and nice clothes kind of girl anyway, but before giving birth I did pull out my straightener on a regular basis. sometimes even the curling iron. I even loathed wearing glasses in favor of contacts. I've fixed my hair up nice once in the last four months, and that was the weekend Lily was blessed. the contacts I was finally able to afford at the end of January? haven't cracked a box open yet.

I shouldn't have any excuses soon- at the beginning of May, I will officially be a stay-at-home mom. maybe I will have an extra 10 minutes to run a straightener through my hair and maybe stick my contacts in once a week. we'll start with baby steps. eventually I might be able to shop for some newer clothes since most of my wardrobe is meant for bigger times. The clothes I wore prior to motherhood are mostly worn out. I've thought about coloring my hair, but it's the healthiest it's ever been in my life and I don't want to ruin it. I want to grow my hair out again, so I don't want to cut it. maybe after I'm done with work I will get my nails done since healthcare workers can't have long nails.

I did make some progress today (kitchen is cleaned!), but it took the whole day. now that my sewing projects are finished (though I still have a couple), I'm putting it on hold and focusing on my scrapbooks for now. though I've been procrastinating immediate chores, I've become obsessed lately with the amount of stuff vs. space in our home. if there is a more efficient, space-saving solution out there, I want it and I want it now. I hate having a baby swing and a toddler rocker; I want a combo swing (which also has toys attached to it). then there's the doorway jumper and the humongous exersaucer and the bumbo, 2 car seats, plus we need a high chair soon. for such a tiny person she sure takes up a lot of room! perhaps I should stop accepting large baby items so I can pick my own solution. the trick is convincing my husband that such expenditures are necessary for my sanity. Now that we are almost out of our deep, deep hole, I want to make the dream of how I want my home to look and function a reality. I want to decorate it with things of my choosing, not hand me downs worn out and chosen for me. I want a place where people feel comfortable visiting and sharing with us.

Listen to this playlist: aquatiger06's Playlist

the great cookie experiment (part 1)

So, I've been trying ever since I moved to Utah to make the perfect (in my eyes) chocolate chip cookies. I used to live in California (elev. 599 feet), and I have struggled with high altitude cooking. Things cook up a lot faster in Sanpete County, which is somewhere around 6000 feet (or so I'm told). my cookies NEVER looked anything like the pics I've seen of Nestle Toll House cookies.

so the great experiment: figure out how to make the perfect chocolate chip cookie.
my first control sample was to use the pre-made refrigerated cookie dough made by Nestle, and I followed the high altitude directions, which were to use the same heat setting (350 F), and to resuce the time from 11-12 min to 9-10 min. easy enough.

The tub did not specify whether the douh needed to be at room temp or chilled, so I did the first batch using dough at room temp. I had to take them out at 8 min. because I smelled the cookies overcooking. they were crispy.

My second control was to bake the dough while it was still chilled. the cookies were almost PERFECT! but around the edges they were starting to overbake.
So my next step will be to prepare the doug according to the normal directions, chill it, and bake it for 8 min. and see how they turn out. I will post pics as well.

money, money, money

If there is one thing that is guaranteed to keep me up at night, it is money- and the lack thereof.

Perhaps it is not so much the fact that there is simply not enough of it in my life so much as it is that I do not have in my posession at this very moment the amount needed to pay off all of our debts immediately. Really, I shouldn't be too anxious since, thanks to our 13 pound little tax break, our tax return was big enough to wipe out almost two of our monthly bills, which puts us ahead of schedule with our snowball plan. Since we are withholding taxes from our paychecks at a higher rate, next year's return should be pretty nice as well. But when it comes to how we can best spend it, I feel like I am on a see-saw: should we use it to wipe out the rest of our debts, or make a down payment on a house? Since I have a year to stew on it and allow our bills to decrease, I suppose it depends on how much we get back, how much we have left to pay off, and what the housing market looks like at the time. If it is bad, then I imagine we will keep saving until it is better.

I feel like I'm on the same teeter- totter when it comes to paying bills down faster. I am a big fan of just throwing a huge chunk of money at the bank and watching the balance drop considerably. unfortunately that requires patience, of which I have little when it comes to money. Should I just keep making minimum payments and throw the rest in savings until there is enough to wipe out a bill? or snowball payments gradually until everything is paid off? likely our savings wouldn't really increase all that much. I want it paid off ASAP, but I have also learned from hard experience that it is not wise to pay bills off faster than your family can afford to, because it starts the cycle over again.

I want to be free from debt when I finally finish college. I'm really grateful for the progress we've made so far. we've been married for a year and a half, and almost 3/4 of our debt is gone. Ok, so almost all of it so far has gone towards Matt's mustang (which we don't have anymore and have continued making payments on for the last 10 months), but it is still faster than I imagined possible. And we have been incredibly blessed in the process- moving into a decent apartment, having a healthy little girl, good employment, and many other things. Still working on an AFFORDABLE decent vehicle, but at least we have more than one running auto right now.

I have a hard time planning for the future. It is hard for me to sit and be patient, and allow goals which require an extended amount of time to be accomplished to happen. So in a desperate attempt to convince myself to be patient, I just need to relax. Time will pass, and it will never come back. So it is time to make the most of the time I have right now.