I have a toddler?

when did that happen!?!

During the first couple of weeks after Lily was born, I kept hearing about how fast she would grow and how quickly the time would go. The first few weeks had felt like the longest of my life- struggling to get a handle on motherhood while still trying to recover from the exhaustion of delivery and the almost week we were in the hospital and few days after with the bili lights while Lily had jaundice. Before I knew it, my baby was a month old, then two, three, and so on, until she turned one year old just a couple of weeks ago.

Now we are expecting another girl- and I am wondering if I will be able to handle two teenage girls at once. I'm getting ahead of myself, I guess; before they become teenagers, I will have to learn how to juggle two babies at once with different needs. If I go all the way to my due date, they will be about 17 months apart, but since I didn't make it to 39 weeks with Lily I am expecting this baby will come a little earlier as well. What in the world will we name her? I've only been thinking of boy names, expecting to have a boy this time around. It will come, I'm sure. We have a few months to figure it out.

Lily Speaks!

Since all the months are starting to run together, I decided I'd better make a record of things I've heard Lily say so far, so I can record them for her in her scrapbook or something one day.
Other than mommy and daddy, she started saying nana, baba, hi, and yeah. She's also said nite nite, kitty, cat, doggie, stinky, unh-uh, messy, and bye-bye. She'll say "at" or "dat" when she's pointing to something, so I tell her what it is, and sometimes she tries to repeat it back. She says a lot of things that I can't understand yet, or maybe it's just baby- talk. I think she is going to be my little talker, 'cause she sure babbles a lot!

Is there something wrong with me?

...Other than the fact that I have not updated my blog in over a month. In my defense, I have been rather busy since then, and any spare time I have is usually spent playing catch-up on those things that have become neglected during the week, such as the pile of dishes in the sink, or the piles of dirty laundry and garbage that seem to accumulate when there is not a woman home all the time to pick them up. Plus the lists of drugs and other things about pharmacy life that I am trying to cram in my brain when I have a spare moment. Yep, I've been busy. And since yet again the coupons are missing from my sunday papers, I have a little bit of time to myself while the baby sleeps. Though admittedly I haven't cut last week's coupons yet....

Anyway, I've had 2 tests in my pharmacy tech class so far. I did well on the first test; I'm not feeling so confident about last Thursday's test. I hope I did better than I think I did. I'm really trying hard to get the majority of my work done before spring semester, seeing as I will have a second baby in the house before school is over. I've been working about 20 hrs a week combined in the hospital and a local pharmacy; I'm hoping to have my 200 required hours done before the start of spring semester so I can be ready to take the national licensing exam around February or March. If I can pass it before the end of spring semester, I will get an automatic 100 percent on the final exam, and the rest of the class should be a breeze. I was really hoping that I would be done with school before I was due with this baby. Unfortunately, graduation is the first week of May and I am due the second week of April (I just realized I haven't posted anything since I found out my due date- April 12th). So I won't get to walk across the stage at graduation with my huge pregnant belly, but I will get to have another baby in my arms.

We are really hoping for a boy this time, and I've been having some really strange dreams. In one of those dreams I gave birth to a dark-haired mexican-looking boy in my friend's camp trailer, and she was my delivery nurse. The inside of the trailer looked like a tiny hospital room. In another dream, there were two cribs right next to each other (which may end up coming true since we will need 2 cribs), and there was a dark-haired curly girl in one and a boy in the other (Lily was right next to me). I kept trying to see what the boy looked like, but I could only look at the girl. I had 2 dreams where Lily wasn't my biological daughter; we found her in the first dream; and in the second she was the daughter of some sibling of Matt's that doesn't exist in real life. Her parents didn't want her so we raised her. It really confused me until I remembered that she is my daughter, I gave birth to her!

I've had a lot of dreams about girls, and some about boys. I only dreamed about boys before I knew that Lily was a girl... so what do these dreams mean? No, I don't think it's twins, I would be a lot bigger and I would've been told at my first doctor's appointment when they did the ultrasound. I've been looking at boy clothes and boy stuff and thinking of boy names, and Matt and I (sort of) have a name we've talked about. I've also got a girl name in the back of my head, and both names feel right.

Speaking of names...
I'm not sure if it is just me, but I really feel weird using words such as wonderful, sweet, amazing, or incredible when talking about my husband. I suppose don't want someone else to feel bad if they don't feel that way about their spouse, like I'm trying to say my husband is better than theirs. Or that I'm using them because I'm just trying to convince myself he is. I'm not saying that other people shouldn't praise their husbands for the wonderful things they do; it is a positive thing, after all. I guess I'm just a little more private about it. I seem to have no problem praising my child (she is the perfect child, after all :P), but for some reason, I feel odd doing so about my husband. Maybe because I know he'll never read my blog anyway. I do try to let him know how I feel, but somehow I feel weird sharing that with other people. Is there something wrong with me?

Diffr'nt Strokes

In those few moments between my head hitting the pillow and sleep, I had one of those thoughts that make perfect sense to you at the time. Well, I went to sleep and forgot exactly what it was, but I do remember thinking that parenthood will either make you or break you as a couple. Having a child will either bond you together through your joy and struggles, or the differences in your parenting styles will give you something to fight about that drives you apart.

I was comparing my parents and trying to figure out which parent was more lenient and which parent wouldn't let me get away with as much. My dad was usually looser when it came to something we wanted at the store or if we wanted a treat at an amusement park. Mom didn't let us get treats as often as dad did. but I was more afraid of being spanked by my dad, mom would just send us to our room or ground us. When it came to friends or having sleepovers, it was easier to get mom's cooperation- and she usually didn't mind as much when we made a lot of noise.

Frankly, I think I am a combination of both my parents' styles. I will prolly be the more patient one when it comes to whiny kids and naughty behavior. I intend to help my children understand why their behavior is unacceptable, rather than just punish them because I feel upset at them. If I can detach myself from their behavior emotionally, I think it will keep me from yelling at them. I'm not sure if I will use a time-out chair or the corner as a punishment. The theory I favor right now ("theory" since it has yet to be put into action) is calmly telling my child to go to their room "because you need to calm down and mommy needs a break from your behavior". Not sure yet if it will work- every child learns differently. Right now if Lily is just plain whiny we put her down for a nap, unless I suspect one of her basic needs requires attention.

I'm not quite certain what Matt's parenting style is. I'd like to say we've talked in depth about it, but honestly you don't know what your style is until you raise a kid. Matt's dad was a raging drunk for most of his childhood from what he's told me, and while I don't think he will be as hard a parent to live with (helps he doesn't drink), I think he might not be as patient a parent as I am. I am a people pleaser so I might find it a harder job to discipline my children. As long as we support each other though I think it will be okay.

Matt thinks this baby is a boy; we both knew that Lily was a girl. We won't know for at least another month yet. I don't even know my due date yet... but I do hope that we get at least one of each variety. I never had any brothers and always wanted one, so I hope that Lily gets at least one brother and one sister. Guess we'll know soon enough, but the guessing game is driving me crazy! I see lots of CUTE boy clothes and would love to add them to my baby collection.

Epiphany

I was somwhat inspired by a talk a lady in my ward gave in church on Sunday. Mostly it was on how God prepares us for trials and through trials for things that will happen later in life. While I still don't understand what most of my trials were in preparation for (some of them I brought upon myself), I had an epiphany during the talk. I don't remember what the words were that inspired it, but I began thinking about what we are here for- to prove that we are faithful to Heavenly Father, to grow and learn things, to obtain a body, find a companion and start a family... and I had a thought- one reason I have trials is to learn how to solve my own problems.

Surely we will still be faced with difficult decisions, and problems will still arise in the next life. Because our mortal cares are behind us does not mean that we won't faced with immortal cares. I will need the problem solving skills I learn in this life to help me with the next. Along with emotional challenges, unemployment is really a logistics problem: how to still provide for basic necessities when means are limited? What would be a constructive way to deal with all the extra time while looking for a job? How do I still maintain my self-respect when obtaining a job proves to be difficult? Will I continue to maintain the moral standards I have set for myself?

Having an eternal perspective can be the hardest thing ever, during times of little and times of plenty. It is easy to get caught up in material things when you do have enough. When you have little it is easy to be upset at the one person whose fault it is not: our Father. It is true, we don't know what his plan is, and when we don't receive the things that we believe to be good for us, it is depressing. When Matt was out of work it was hard on everybody. I had difficulty reading the scriptures like I used to, and my prayers were more like occasional postcards rather than frequent phonecalls.

We tried for months to keep our heads above water, and finally had to sacrifice the one thing we were trying to prevent losing: Matt's $500/month Mustang. We tried selling it, but were so upside down on the payments that finally we decided to get rid of it and turned it in. we knew we would still have to make payments but wouldn't be paying insurance or maintenance on it any longer. Beautiful though it was, that car was an accident magnet anyway. I suppose the lesson I learned was this: sometimes you have to make a sacrifice to get what you are asking for. The very next day Matt was offered a job.

We moved in with his parents for four months, hoping that Matt would be hired on permanently at the coal mine he was now working at. He was a contractor, and contractors have lower pay and no beneits. I was expecting out first child and most of my paychecks went to pay the ridiculously priced benefits my hospital offered (Ironic, huh? I shouldn't transferred hospitals; then I wouldve made way more and had cheaper benefits.) Even when we moved into our apartment Matt was still a contractor, and when Lily was born, he was still a contractor. Finally at Christmastime he was offered a permanent position. The second lesson I learned: sometimes you need to take a leap of faith. Thank goodness he was hired on while I was still on leave.

One other thing I learned: when you do get what you ask for, your problems don't go away overnight. we are STILL recovering from the damage that nine months of unemployment cost us. Mostly we are caught up, but as a result of being behind on bills last year, we couldn't pay our hospital bill when it came, so we are STILL paying it off... and now we've got another anticipated hospital bill. I really hope our tax return will cover it. Plus my tuition for this year.

Another thing being without has taught me is to share what I do have with others. I love having people over for dinner, and I don't mind giving away what I don't need. I hate clutter anyway.

I suppose I also learned how important a food storage is, so that if we are unable to purchase food we will at least have enough that we won't starve. I've been working on building it up, but we still have quite a long way to go. While I don't understand what all of my trials are for yet, I have learned that I can solve some of my problems on my own- but never without help, of course.

New Developments

Well, it only took 9 and a half months, but Lily finally cut her first tooth! She cut her first bottom tooth the other day, and her first top tooth broke through today. Her other top front tooth looks like it will cut in the next day or so, and maybe her other bottom tooth as well. At her 6 month appointment the dr prescribed vitamin drops with fluoride since our water is not supplemented, but miss Lily wanted nothing to with them- she spit them out and refused to take them. A few weeks ago I decided to prepare her formula with fluoridated water- thinking when her teeth did come in she would need the fluoride so her teeth might be strong. I guess she just needed the fluoride- three or four of her teeth are coming in at once!


At her checkup last Wednesday, Lily was 20 lbs. and 28 inches long. She made a little jump on her weight. She started taking Zantac to see if her frequent spitup and hunger cues might be related to an esophageal reflux. So far it is helping. We're also trying to get her in to see a pediatric pulmonologist to find out why she always sounds sick.

One of "those people"

Ok, so I found a new obsession: coupons!

Yeah, I know, I'm turning into one of THOSE people: the ones you HATE to be stuck behind while checking out at the grocery store. The people you see wandering through Wal-mart with 2 carts and a huge binder, haggling with the cashier and generally being an eyesore. One of those people: the ones you envy when everything is tallied up, because they might have a lot of stuff, but their grocery bill is significantly lower than yours. Yeah... those people.

I got hooked on the idea as I was channel surfing one day. None of my favorite shows was on, so I was just looking for some interesting background noise. I ended up watching extreme couponing on TLC. I was amazed at how much these people got for so little. And a lot of it was free! That week I saw an ad for a free coupon class and decided to check it out. They were offering a discount on the Sunday paper, so I signed up to get 5 copies of the paper each Sunday.

After we came back from vacation in California, I started getting 2-4 coupon inserts in each paper, separating them and cutting them out. A big disadvantage to living in this area is the lack of retail stores in general. We have a Wal-mart and a Kent's, and usually I get most of my groceries at Wal-mart because Kent's is a little more expensive. You have to be to stay in business down here. Walmart will price match though, so I started using the savvyshopperdeals.com website to compare prices on foods at various grocery stores in the state of Utah. They have a shopping wizard you can use so you don't have to print out the whole list (there are about 3500 listing on it usually), and I just take that into Walmart with me when I go shopping.

I will brag a little about some of the deals I've snagged after only a month of using coupons. I got 25 boxes of cereal for $16.75 total on my first trip, and 5 free bottles of Matt's shampoo. A few days ago I got 8 large tubes of Crest Pro-Health toothpaste for $3 total (4 were $0.25 each, 4 were $0.50 each :D). I also got 5 packs of Bic Soleil razors for $0.99 each, among many other great moneysaving deals. The space under Lily's crib is taken up by several boxes of Huggies that I got for a great price too ($13.99 for each box- same price as Walmart's Parent's Choice diapers.) Mostly I've used Huggies because I've gotten higher-value coupons than Pampers. if Pampers had higher value coupons I would use them too. But hey, $3 off vs. $1.50 off two.... sorry Pampers.

It takes awhile (I've heard) to build up your stockpile to where you are spending way less on groceries per month than without coupons. I'm still spending about the same right now, but I'm buying a year's supply instead of a few weeks. It's building up slowly, a few products at a time. Once I have my food storage built up, I will get to the point where I won't stock up on it unless it is free or just about.

My sister is moving up to Utah next week, and when she comes I am going to take her shopping with me so she can see how it works. She is showing an interest in coupons as well, and I can't wait to help her get some of the same great deals that I am getting. It is rewarding, but be warned: it is a lot of work. It helps to know what you are going for before you go to the store, and to be prepared. I carry sticky notes so I can write the price and the store and stick the note to the product so it is easier for myself and the cashier when I check out. If I spend too much time in the store, my brain starts to melt so I have to make sure I've had a good meal before I go. I try to just get a few "stockpile" items each trip- I had to leave my first time because I ran out of cart space. It does take longer to get through the store, and I get a little embarrassed sometimes because I feel like I look silly with all my coupons and papers and sticky notes, etc., but it's the sort of thing where you start to see results right away- unlike a diet and exercise plan. I'm getting a lot more for my buck. And I'm proud of myself at the end of the day. So if it does my family some good, I'm okay with being one of "those crazy coupon ladies".

i learned how to add pictures!

this is a test ....

Things happen in their own time

Lately, Lily just hasn't been interested in baby food. she will eat a few bites, lose interest, and play with her bib or steal the spoon while I try to sneak a few bites in before she gets fussy and tries to escape from her bumbo. she's getting pretty close to doing it, but just can't seem to get her legs past the middle piece separating her legs (so I guess it's time to get a high chair).

I made myself breakfast for lunch yesterday- scrambled eggs and hash browns- and remembering that egg yolk is an acceptable food for babies, decided to give her a bite to see how she tolerated it. I'd just started giving her some yogurt melts the day before, and she did just fine with them (I did try them first, and it basically is freeze-dried yogurt. they dissolve pretty easily). I picked the most yolky- looking bit and gave her a bite. she loved it! so we had a bit of fun exploring different food textures- scrambled eggs, yogurt melts, and I let her go crazy with a slice of pasteurized- processed cheese food. she squished it more than she ate it, but she did really well with the soft food I gave her. I was quite surprised- I've mostly been going off the labels on the gerber jar, and for 3rd-stage foods (and Graduates) it says "your child may be ready if: crawls with tummy off floor; and begins to self-feed".

well, I'm both sad and somewhat relieved to say, Lily doesn't seem to be anywhere close to crawling let alone getting up on all fours, and I don't know if she can self-feed because we don't have the equipment for her to try. though she does like to steal the spoon from me, she's more interested in the brightly colored plastic spoon than what is on it. sometimes the spoon does make it into her mouth, but more on accident than intent. So the fact that my child not only wants but is ready for food with texture instead of puree really caught me off guard. I've been breaking the rules the past few days and giving her samples of every soft thing on my plate: macaroni and cheese, pizza, tomatoes, lil' crunchies... she even had fun tearing up a hot dog bun. I've been putting some treats in front of her so she can practice picking them up and putting them in her mouth. as soon as we get a high chair I will put some baby food in front of her and let her finger paint.

though she isn't really showing any interest in crawling, she likes standing up to furniture and jumping in her exersaucer. she might just be one of those babies that walks before crawling. my mom says that studies have shown that walking before crawling can affect a child's hand-eye coordination, but my neighbor's little boy never crawled and he seems just fine. so we'll see what happens. right now her mode of transportation is rolling around on the floor; she likes to roll under the futon in our living room and play with the bars. I had most of my craft stuff under there, but I've started babyproofing and moved it to a cupboard that I can lock up once she starts getting curious.

though I am thrilled that she is growing and learning new skills, it reminds me that she won't be a baby for much longer. in a few short months, she will be a year old, and considered more of a toddler than an infant. and before you know it, we will have another little baby to love and cuddle. I feel like I have a handle on the mom business for now, and I'm ready to start trying for #2. I've figured I am ready for the next one once I feel like I have everything under control- most of the time. there are always going to be times when things feel out of control crazy, but I haven't felt like that for awhile. more sleep helps a ton- funny how she sleeps through the night almost all the time now that she's been weaned (my milk dried up recently- stupid me didn't realize my allergy med was an antihistamine until it was too late. and now I've gotten used to how easy it is to hand her a bottle and walk away. does that make me a horrible mom?).

I'd prefer them to be closer in age so they can be playmates and have more of the same interests in common than I did with most of my sisters. I am 19 months older than #2, and 6 and 10 years older than #3 and #4. I was closer with Kristynn because we were closer in age. I had a harder time finding things in common with malan and mckenna. I will be going to my 10-year reunion when mckenna graduates. that makes me feel old. I want to be able to do fun things with my kids, like games and camping and other fun activities that are more fun if the players are on pretty much the same level.

there are many dreams I have for the growth of our family, and for our future home. I hope that most of them turn out to come true. It is really hard for me to be patient and wait for life to evolve. much has happened in the past 2 years, but we are still relatively new to marriage. so I will be patient- and let things happen in their own time.

I feel a change in the winds

so many changes are happening...and every once in a while, there is enough change going on around me that I freak out a little bit. Lily just by herself is a little bundle of change; she has new developments every day, whether learning to spit, getting just a little bit stronger, or finally realizing that she can roll over and is doing it all the time, even though she learned months ago. Not to mention giggling and shrieking up a storm whenever the mood strikes her.

My sister is getting married in 3 days and endowed in 2. I am happy for her but can't help but feel a little jealous as well. She is getting married in the Oquirrh Mountain temple. I feel a little jealous because it was nearly 2 years before Matt and I were sealed, along with our little baby Lily just a few months ago. It felt like an uphill battle from the moment we got engaged, and I can't help wishing it was easy and right off just like the other couples I see go straight into a temple marriage.

On the other hand, I was endowed nearly a year before our sealing and just days before conceiving Lily, so I had a child and plenty of time to adjust before we were stuck together like glue. Actually,it was an amazing experience to have her there with us at the altar. It is a lot to take in, and Kristynn will have less than a day between taking out her endowments and getting sealed. I like having had more than one day, but I still wish it didn't take so long.

I also know that there are other changes in myself that I need to make if I want to achieve the goals that I/ we have set. I'd really love to not spend as much money on our groceries- I am gonna try out couponing as a new hobby. I don't think I'd ever get as crazy as the people on tv, but maybe I could save a few bucks.

confessions of a high school swimmer

I took Lily to the pool for the first time the other day. I was expecting a much bigger reaction than what I got. She loves to be in the tub, and she used to just smile and giggle the whole time. Now at 6 months it seems like she is telling me, "whatever mom, being in the water is fun, but it's no big deal." I had expected being in a swimming pool would rekindle a little bit of that previous excitement. Then again, we were indoors in the Snow College pool, which is not quite as warm as bath water is. And there wasn't any sun to warm us. I think she had more fun eating the tulle skirt of her cute little swimsuit.

She stared at her surroundings for a few minutes before she took an interest in what we were doing. I did get a few smiles out of Lily while twirling her around in the water, and walking up and down the pool while she kicked her legs experimentally. The biggest smiles and giggles were when she caught sight of the diving toys a couple of kids nearby were playing with. I'll have to remember to bring toys with us next time. I think she enjoyed it overall- until it was time to get out. Being cold was a new concept to her, and she had a very perplexed expression and emitted funny grunting noises as we shivered our way to the locker room and a hot shower, where Lily entertained herself by sticking her hands in the stream of water and kicking her legs.

I dressed her and laid her back in the stroller to sleep while I got back in the pool for a little "me" time. I didn't have the foresight to bring my cap and goggles with me, but the deep end was roped off anyway which cut the pool in half. Lap swimming is only from 5-8 a.m., and I'll be darned if I'm going to get up that early to go exercise. Which is strange considering in high school I used to get up at 4:30 in the morning to attend swim practice. I guess being on a team and having friends to swim with makes a difference.

I used to think that it didn't matter what team I was on, that just being on a team was enough motivation for me to swim my best. When I started practice with my college team, I discovered just how much my high school team meant to me, and how much I miss that camraderie. The truth is, even though I hated it at the time, I actually miss all those sadistic things my coach made us do- banana splits, push ups, sit ups, lactate sets- and my nemesis, the "cromwells", which is basically crouching down and jumping in the air-repeatedly and quickly. My legs wore out after two or three. But even through the hardest practices, we somehow had enough fun to make up for it. And spring training, our "hell week", usually ended up being the best week of the season overall.

Every once in awhile I have an epiphany about some drill or exercise we'd work on, and have a "D'oh!" feeling as the point of the exercise would finally sink in. When I was in the pool while Lily slept, I finally figured out the proper technique of sculling (it only took me nine years, I grumbled). I wonder how much better I could have done if only I'd figured these things out in my first year of swim. It wasn't until towards the end of my swim career that I learned how to keep my legs steady while doing the breaststroke. I was one of the people my coach lightheartedly describes as "breaststroke retards."

I still have dreams about meets and practices, but now they are of me returning as an alumnus to join my team in an important competition. It is like those movies where a retired hero is called upon for a mission that only he or she can complete. I wouldn't say I was the star of the team, certainly, but I wasn't half bad. And the pool was one place where I felt like I truly belonged. I could come to practice full of anxiety, and be able to turn my emotion into motion.

People may say swimming up and down, up and down is boring, but it gave me time to think, and a positive outlet for my energy. Water is amazing. The touch and feel of it, the challenge of pushing through it without allowing it to enter your lungs, of learning through overuse the muscles you didn't know were there. And strength you never knew you had. It was so long ago since I was swimming consistently that it is easy to forget that part of me ever existed. Everytime I get in the water, it comes rushing back. Once you learn, you never forget it.

It was something I needed to remember, that I am more than just a mom now. And if I ever did have the chance to go back- just for one day- to my old high school team, I would give it my very best- a best that has grown stronger over the years, because I understand now what the purpose was behind all of the drilling, the exercises, the team building activities, and all the little things I cut corners on because I hated doing them. Not that I didn't try my best back then. I just have a broader perspective now.

I wish I had the opportunity when I was a kid to be on a swim team. I had wanted to all my life, and I didn't have the chance until I was in high school. One of the first things Lily will learn from me is how to swim, and while I will allow her to learn whatever sport she desires, I hope that she will choose to swim. It made a difference in who I am. And it will give us something to bond over when she reaches those dreaded teenage years.

I think the thing I miss the most, probably why I still dream about swimming, is that I felt like I was truly a part of something. I was in the best shape of my life. While I have been a part of other things since then, very little has come close to affecting me the way that being a part of Cathedral City Swim was. I miss it, but I am forever glad for what I accomplished during my time there.

First Easter

Lily's first Easter was marked by a new milestone... sitting! she sat on her own for the first time. at least for about 30 seconds. Still wobbly but she is getting stronger. And she is getting so big! she is starting to wear the 9 month size now... I need to go shopping for her soon :)

We started her on solids too. She's been wanting to eat (read: nurse) every two hours, so I thought it might help her stay fuller longer. There are a few indicators that she is ready. She tries to stick everything in her mouth, she sits almost independently, she watches us when we eat and tries to get our food. Lily does really well with a spoon. Hardly any food comes back out... but Mommy also has a lot of practice with spoon feeding. It's kind of sad, really; I am excited to see her doing things on her own, but that means she is getting bigger and starting to grow up :(

My Secret

for the past three years, I've been working on a book. It will probably never be big, which is okay, but it is something that makes me happy, a secret project, always at the back of my mind. the concept literally came to me one day as I was writing in my journal. I let it flow, and soon I had the makings of a wonderful story. I haven't made much progress since, as it stands now it is short and repetitive, but I bring the idea up every once in awhile, and slowly the knots are being smoothed out. Often it is wonderful and trying moments when I work on it. I think I may have developed an introduction the other day, and I am excited and a little nervous to pick it up again and write it in. This is the furthest I've ever gone with an idea of mine, and I have several more that may or may not ever come to pass. it is something that I feel confident in, even if no one else ever comes to appreciate it.

I will need another person(s) prolly to help me with the story flow and clarity. My thoughts tend to be all over the place, and sometimes vague. It may be a very long time before I am at a point where another person can be brought in. Maybe it will be sooner rather than later.

Slacker vs. Obsessor

I'm turning into a slacker mom, or perhaps my nesting instincts have worn off. and it's not just my blog. the dishes sit in the sink for a few days, sometimes I can't remember when I last showered, and my brush gets used, oh, about once a week. As I was walking to the mailbox down the street today, I realized- I've turned into the frumpy housewife. And this is only my first child. what is going to happen in two or three babies' time? the HORROR. I mean, I wasn't exactly a makeup and nice clothes kind of girl anyway, but before giving birth I did pull out my straightener on a regular basis. sometimes even the curling iron. I even loathed wearing glasses in favor of contacts. I've fixed my hair up nice once in the last four months, and that was the weekend Lily was blessed. the contacts I was finally able to afford at the end of January? haven't cracked a box open yet.

I shouldn't have any excuses soon- at the beginning of May, I will officially be a stay-at-home mom. maybe I will have an extra 10 minutes to run a straightener through my hair and maybe stick my contacts in once a week. we'll start with baby steps. eventually I might be able to shop for some newer clothes since most of my wardrobe is meant for bigger times. The clothes I wore prior to motherhood are mostly worn out. I've thought about coloring my hair, but it's the healthiest it's ever been in my life and I don't want to ruin it. I want to grow my hair out again, so I don't want to cut it. maybe after I'm done with work I will get my nails done since healthcare workers can't have long nails.

I did make some progress today (kitchen is cleaned!), but it took the whole day. now that my sewing projects are finished (though I still have a couple), I'm putting it on hold and focusing on my scrapbooks for now. though I've been procrastinating immediate chores, I've become obsessed lately with the amount of stuff vs. space in our home. if there is a more efficient, space-saving solution out there, I want it and I want it now. I hate having a baby swing and a toddler rocker; I want a combo swing (which also has toys attached to it). then there's the doorway jumper and the humongous exersaucer and the bumbo, 2 car seats, plus we need a high chair soon. for such a tiny person she sure takes up a lot of room! perhaps I should stop accepting large baby items so I can pick my own solution. the trick is convincing my husband that such expenditures are necessary for my sanity. Now that we are almost out of our deep, deep hole, I want to make the dream of how I want my home to look and function a reality. I want to decorate it with things of my choosing, not hand me downs worn out and chosen for me. I want a place where people feel comfortable visiting and sharing with us.

Listen to this playlist: aquatiger06's Playlist

the great cookie experiment (part 1)

So, I've been trying ever since I moved to Utah to make the perfect (in my eyes) chocolate chip cookies. I used to live in California (elev. 599 feet), and I have struggled with high altitude cooking. Things cook up a lot faster in Sanpete County, which is somewhere around 6000 feet (or so I'm told). my cookies NEVER looked anything like the pics I've seen of Nestle Toll House cookies.

so the great experiment: figure out how to make the perfect chocolate chip cookie.
my first control sample was to use the pre-made refrigerated cookie dough made by Nestle, and I followed the high altitude directions, which were to use the same heat setting (350 F), and to resuce the time from 11-12 min to 9-10 min. easy enough.

The tub did not specify whether the douh needed to be at room temp or chilled, so I did the first batch using dough at room temp. I had to take them out at 8 min. because I smelled the cookies overcooking. they were crispy.

My second control was to bake the dough while it was still chilled. the cookies were almost PERFECT! but around the edges they were starting to overbake.
So my next step will be to prepare the doug according to the normal directions, chill it, and bake it for 8 min. and see how they turn out. I will post pics as well.

money, money, money

If there is one thing that is guaranteed to keep me up at night, it is money- and the lack thereof.

Perhaps it is not so much the fact that there is simply not enough of it in my life so much as it is that I do not have in my posession at this very moment the amount needed to pay off all of our debts immediately. Really, I shouldn't be too anxious since, thanks to our 13 pound little tax break, our tax return was big enough to wipe out almost two of our monthly bills, which puts us ahead of schedule with our snowball plan. Since we are withholding taxes from our paychecks at a higher rate, next year's return should be pretty nice as well. But when it comes to how we can best spend it, I feel like I am on a see-saw: should we use it to wipe out the rest of our debts, or make a down payment on a house? Since I have a year to stew on it and allow our bills to decrease, I suppose it depends on how much we get back, how much we have left to pay off, and what the housing market looks like at the time. If it is bad, then I imagine we will keep saving until it is better.

I feel like I'm on the same teeter- totter when it comes to paying bills down faster. I am a big fan of just throwing a huge chunk of money at the bank and watching the balance drop considerably. unfortunately that requires patience, of which I have little when it comes to money. Should I just keep making minimum payments and throw the rest in savings until there is enough to wipe out a bill? or snowball payments gradually until everything is paid off? likely our savings wouldn't really increase all that much. I want it paid off ASAP, but I have also learned from hard experience that it is not wise to pay bills off faster than your family can afford to, because it starts the cycle over again.

I want to be free from debt when I finally finish college. I'm really grateful for the progress we've made so far. we've been married for a year and a half, and almost 3/4 of our debt is gone. Ok, so almost all of it so far has gone towards Matt's mustang (which we don't have anymore and have continued making payments on for the last 10 months), but it is still faster than I imagined possible. And we have been incredibly blessed in the process- moving into a decent apartment, having a healthy little girl, good employment, and many other things. Still working on an AFFORDABLE decent vehicle, but at least we have more than one running auto right now.

I have a hard time planning for the future. It is hard for me to sit and be patient, and allow goals which require an extended amount of time to be accomplished to happen. So in a desperate attempt to convince myself to be patient, I just need to relax. Time will pass, and it will never come back. So it is time to make the most of the time I have right now.

Considering my Lily

When Lily was in the hospital right after she was born, I was a wreck. It had been weeks since I had a good night's sleep, and at least 5 days since I'd gotten more than a few hours worth. Add that on top of going through childbirth, and I was an emotional time bomb. I was hoping to get at least some rest the first night she was there, but Matt got off of work at 12 a.m. and decided it was a brilliant (not!) idea to share the hospital bed in the room with me (since it is a smallhospital, a bassinet was wheeled into one of the patient rooms where Lily lay on her bili lights), I was hoping he would decide to go home and get some rest since he had to work the next day (unfortunately, the big longwall move at the mine was going on, which meant no days off for 3 weeks. We were lucky he was able to get the time off when she was born). I needed rest, badly; and the whole time I was in the hospital, he was, too; I needed time to be alone and cry privately.

The next day, Lily's bili levels had started to rise again and she would need to stay another night. I was completely burned out. I asked my mom (who was visiting from CA for a few weeks) to stay with her while I went home and rested. Then I went home and cried. The weight of it seemed too much for me. this was the first time I had been more than a few feet away from my baby. I was still adjusting to her not being inside of me anymore. She was soo little, and needed so much attention and care right now. I felt like a horrible mom for letting her get dehydrated, even though that wasn't really my fault. Neither was her jaundice. A song by Roger Hoffman popped into my head that made me feel better:

Consider the lilies (lilys) of the field- how they grow (it made me smile to imagine a bunch if little
Anne Geddes babies dressed as flowers in a field). Consider the birds in the sky, how they fly... He clothes the lilies of the field (He had certainly done that; thanks to the welfare of others we had more than enough clothes for our Lily), he feeds the birds in the sky- he will feed those who trust Him, and guide them with his eye.

The last verse got me- Consider the sweet tender children, who must suffer on this earth, the pains of all of them He carried, from the day of His birth. He clothes the [Lily]ies of the field, He feeds the sheep of His fold, and He will heal those who trust Him (certainly in need of that!) and make their hearts as gold.

Yep, that did it- the tears started flowing. After some praying and a shower, I finally got what felt like the best sleep I'd had for awhile- in my own bed, with my own pillow (note to self: do NOT forget pillow next time I travel an hour to give birth. It happened all of a sudden so there was no time to remember it.)

The next morning, Lily was released, and we took our little flower home, who is doing fine. But the song still brings tears to my eyes, and is a comfort to me when I need to hear it. The reason I am posting this, however, is because it reminds me of a friend in similar financial circumstances who is having a baby soon, and of how I hope they receive the same blessings we did, and of how the Lord was able to clothe, feed, and heal our Lily. We received everything we needed.

Gooo-ing to the temple and we're....gooo-nna get ma-a-a-ried...

Whew! I had to take a 3 hour nap today. Normally, I hate taking naps, and have an agenda with things that I need to get done for the day. Today I just felt like relaxing and having some quiet time with my husband and baby. Spent the weekend with friends and family visiting; I had lots of fun but the events of the weekend wore me out.

Finally, after nearly two years of waiting, my husband and I were finally sealed in the Manti temple on Saturday. I expected to be very emotional since I'd been close to tears of joy all week, but instead when we got there I felt very calm. Which is, I guess, one way I feel the spirit, since a lot of the time I feel some degree of anxiety. I had wanted to spend the morning relaxing and preparing for the day, but I had dishes to wash, a baby to feed, food and drinks to prepare and drop off to my sis-in-law, etc. I tried during the couple of days before to get most things done such as cleaning the apartment, but Lily had a couple of fussy days and I wasn't able to do much.

Despite the somewhat frenzied morning I had, I felt the difference immediately as soon as we set foot in the temple. My mom came in the car with us because she needed to fit the beautiful dress she made on Lily. It has been years since my parents went to the temple, and I was so thrilled they were able to recieve their recommends in time to witness our sealing. I think the highlight of the experience was seeing Lily brought in with her white dress. I was so worried she would be fussy and not feeling well, but she just had the biggest grins the whole time. I think at one point she was talking to someone(s) we couldn't see, because when her hand was placed on ours, she just woke up and started smiling and cooing at a corner of the room. She was just so adorable- and I think knowing she is mine forever now increases my love and concern for her.

I didn't start feeling much of a difference right away- even when I got endowed it took overnight for it to sink in for me- but now that I am better rested I am noticing that I feel a little more connected and that my love for my husband comes a little bit easier now.

Yesterday we blessed Lily. it was short but sweet, and after sacrament meeting we went over to our apartment for brunch. Talk about being in a sardine can! there were 28 people crammed into our little apartment. I was worried about having tons of leftovers since there weren't as many people at dinner the night before as I thought there was going to be. But it seems like there was just enough. It was a nice, sunny day. It's too bad there was snow on the ground, otherwise we would've just gone to the park. oh well, maybe next time.

All in all, it was a good weekend. We did both at once because my family was up for the weekend and had to be back early this morning. I'm yawning; so I suppose I should get to bed now.

good idea

It just occurred to me the other day that having a blog is like an online journal- one that I can write for me, but nothing I have to say is anything I wouldn't share with people. I've been looking for a more permanent way to preserve my past journals- what if I (or anyone else) can't read my writing a few years for now, or if fire,water, etc. damages them?

I've created another blog to post my past journal entries- cleaner, more permanent, and easy to edit out things I don't want to share with posterity (drama with past boyfriends? I dunno, maybe my kids can learn from my mistakes). I had started transcribing my journals in the past, but I stored it on a flash drive, which was stolen from the Snow library computer I was using. it was password protected, but still- I lost it. I can access it anywhere if it is on the internet.

I haven't decided whether or not to open this blog to others to view. For now I will keep it hidden as I fill it with details of my past.

wake-up call

so I went with my sis-in-law last night for an hour of Zumba, a dance-type workout. This was a sad testament to how truly out of shape I have allowed myself to become. I've apparently been in denial about this. I thought walking to class and working might've kept me in better shape.
I lasted about 20 minutes; after that, it was all I could do to limply move my arms and legs, withno energy at all. My shoes didn't help, either. I don't think I've ever owned a decent pair of athletic shoes.

I'm feeling it today.

anxiety and breastfeeding

I have a lot of pent up thoughts and emotions about this.

I can't remember how I wanted to start this. I feel I've been burying some important thoughts and emotions about this, and writing has always been the best way for me to get my thoughts and feelings in order. so here goes:
In my pregnant and pre-motherhood days, I had always thought I would breastfeed my babies. A secret part of me was a little weirded out by the idea, but then the thought of going through labor terrified me as well (or maybe it was thinking about that epidural needle that terrified me. Consequently, when the anesthesiologist came in to place the epidural catheter, I did not turn around to look because I knew the size of the needle that awaited me. Strange, that I have a hard time with needles passing through my skin but I can't wait to learn to stick other people with them. sadistic? I digress...). Though I have both watched and bottle fed babies in the past, I just figured breastfeeding would come so naturally. It never occured to me that it would be common to have problems with breastfeeding...
It all started from day 1...0?
After a challenging but healthy pregnancy, the labor and delivery went smoothly for both me and Lily. I never had a formal birth plan, but all the major things that I had hoped (and prayed a little) for came true: water broke, Matt was not at work, did the hour + 15 min drive to the hospital in 45 mins (who knew our crappy van could do 90 on the freeway?), did not get sent home the first time I went to the hospital, arrived on time, got an epidural, delivered vaginally after 30 min of pushing and 10.5 hours of active labor (I couldve gone a few hours earlier, but Lily had never dropped, so we had a long "rest and descend" period when I was fully dilated) , baby was healthy and most definitely the same sex as seen on the ultrasound. the only hitch I felt was that my parents arrived at the hospital 20 minutes too late (they are both RN's who work with babies and this is their first grandchild) after driving straight from California as soon as my water broke. Anyway, I should've known things were going too much like I wanted.
I was informed during our first attempt at breastfeeding that my nipples are flat. That may be a little too much info, but apparently it can be a major problem. After some rocky tries, Lily finally latched on. It was difficult for the first couple of days, but she seemed to be eating ok. She was sure sucking a lot. So much, in fact, that I ended up asking the nursery staff to give the girl a binky so I could have a break. I was aware that pacifiers can cause nipple confusion in young babies, but I figured she was doing ok- besides, I think binky babies are cute.
In addition to being a L/D RN, my mom is also a certified lactationist. while she was here the day that Lily was born, she went back to CA for the weekend because my sis was in a dance show fundraiser and it was kinda a big deal (all the time she kept sayong, "you're not allowed to go into labor until AFTER [the following monday]". it's karma, mom. what you don't want to happen will happen.). she and my dad drove up and then turned around and went back that night. Mom had been planning on coming up on monday for a few weeks to help us out with the new baby. But since she wasn't there for much of my hospital visit, I had to deal with the Lactitioner at the hospital. Though I tried explaining that my mom does lactation, she didn't seem to be satisfied with that. Mom had helped me the first day, and at this point (the 3 day, when we were supposed to leave), she wanted to try and change the way Lily and I did things. I felt we'd been starting to get the hang of it. At least, she could've been nicer. This lady seemed kinda high maintenance. And acted like her opinion was the only one that matters. She kept telling me that I was doing it wrong, and insisted I do it a different way. And then she got worked into a huff about whether or not my mom was board certified, and kept trying to talk me into renting a breast pump from the hospital when I informed her that I already HAVE a pump (a good one, too), but I needed the attachments for it and just needed to purchase those. In addition, she thought I needed to come to the lactation clinic for $30/hr. Why not: 1. I live in Ephraim, over an hour away; 2. Like I just told you, my mother is coming for a couple of weeks and she IS a lactitioner. So why am I gonna drive all the way up here and pay money I don't have for the same advice that I can get FOR FREE at home? and why rent a pump when I already have one??
She got a rather sour look on her face when during the time she was with me, my mother called and said she was at the breastfeeding store at her hospital (she gets a good discount) picking up supplies before she got on the road and wondered if the lactitioner thought I needed anything in particular. This lady was just trying to make money off of me, I think. And she didn't make a dime.
I think the worst part was when she told me that not only are my nipples flat, but that I have "mini-marshmallow nipples." I felt rather humiliated. If she had been nicer I might've paid more attention. I was already a little self-conscious about losing my privacy. Comparing me to other women was not a good way to get on my good side. I had no idea that there was anything about my breasts physically that could cause a roadblock. My experience with this lady destroyed a lot of confidence that I had about breastfeeding.
Apparently I wasn't the only person she rubbed the wrong way. The door hadn't even closed all the way before Matt said, rather audibly, "WHAT a piece of work!" I don't know if she heard him or not, but I could see those stiletto boots of hers under the curtain as she clacked out of the room. The nurse manager came in a few minutes later and asked about our experience with the hospital and staff. Matt made a few comments, and she AGREED with us! Wonder what this lady is like to work with... glad she isn't at my hospital.
Whether or not it is the "right" way according to her, Lily and I have made it work. She is thriving. Although, I have had to supplement her with a bottle....
THAT started the day after we came home from the hospital. Lily's bilirubin levels were getting high upon our discharge, so we were instructed to take her in to have her bili levels drawn the next day. We went to Sanpete Valley- I wasn't going to drive to Orem just for labs. She was looking a little orange that morning, but she had been before we left the hospital. I was a little concerned that she hadn't pooped in 24 hours, and her pee was looking a tad orange. The lab results came back as I was showing off my little baby to my coworkers. Her bili levels were at 18.7- almost at a dangerous level. In conjunction with that, the poor girl was apparently dehydrated. She would have to be admitted.
I was rather hard for me to see my poor little newborn back in the hospital so soon after coming home. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in weeks prior, and certainly not since giving birth. It's a good thing I knew everyone at the hospital- it gave me some support and encouragement I desperately needed. Especially watching my sweet Lily get her first IV- on the scalp, because her dehydrated little veins were hiding everywhere else. She was placed in a bili light bed, and since my milk was still coming in, I had to pump every two hours, feed her what I got, and then finish her off with formula until she was full. I really hadn't been planning on bottle feeding her at all. Grandma had bought her this set of bottles which are supposed to mimick the breast, requiring both suction and compression instead of a traditional nipple, which only requires suction. Those bottles were at home, so she got the cheap 'n easy nipples at first. But the damage had been done. She found it much easier to suck on the bottle nipples than mommy's. And when her bili started going up instead of down, the doc told me not to give her breastmilk, just formula, and see if she improved. Breastmilk can contribute to jaundice. So for now I was pumping and storing my milk. That was another big blow for me. Not only was my baby not getting enough fluids from me, but my fluids were probably making it worse. Mom stayed with her the secind night so I could get some rest. I went home and bawled. I felt like a horrible mom because my baby was dehydrated and her jaundice was related to breastfeeding. I felt like an idiot for not realizing earlier that something was not right. And now it was going to be even harder to get back to breastfeeding- the little stinker had made up her mind that she liked the easy bottle better (I was a little offended). She had formula for several days before I was given the green light to nurse her again.
I was still dealing with the typical nipple pain most new moms experience, not to mention the engorgement as my milk slowly came in. Now I had to deal with nipple confusion. Trying to breastfeed her after coming home again was pretty much a nightmare. She wanted nothing to do with it. Even with all the tricks my mom knew, Lily was a difficult case. It took a different trick each time to get her to nurse- sugar water, nipple shield, inserting expressed milk/ formula under the shield, removing shield when she kept pulling it off with her gums, changing positions, using a syringe, squirting in her mouth, putting the bottle next to the boob, skin-to-skin, using a latch assist, pumping to bring my nipples out more, getting her to latch while asleep- we even tried the "rebirthing" method; putting her on my chest in a warm bath and encouraging her to instinctively find the breast. That worked for about a day. She's as stubborn as her mommy, I guess. In addition to her temperament, breastfeeding was still very painful for me. As soon as she would latch, my body would tense up as I tried not to holler. That wasn't helping the milk flow any. Nor was she all that patient about waiting for let-down.
I got to be such a struggle that I began to dread her hunger cry. Because it was likely to result in more screaming, frustration on both our parts, and end with me giving her a bottle of breastmilk and going to pump my boobs afterward. I started going straight for the bottle, especially at night. I do have to admit, it was nice to have a break when my mother or husband fed her instead. I was just about ready to give up. And why not? Plenty of moms have had trouble breastfeeding. I wanted her to have breastmilk because it is infinitely cheaper than formula, and better for her, too. I could just pump a few times a day before meals and feed her that way.
We don't have a dishwasher so I wash everything by hand. Bottles, pump attachments, nipple shield, milk storage bottles, not to mention the rest of our dishes. I was starting to feel like a cow. And boy, was I tired of washing so many dishes several times a day!
Finally, I grew tired of milk spilling everywhere each time Lily would start eating with the nipple shield and the rip it off in frustration. Not to mention dripping all over myself when I would shift the pump attachments wrong and break the suction.

I'd hung on to the shield because it was less painful wearing it. Then a girl in my nutrition class told me that after nursing with a shield for 6 months, her milk had dried up. I decided I'd better get rid of it.So she was just going to have to get used to doing it the old-fashioned way. She was a bit older now, and despite her fussing, she eventually caught on. And now the big problem was still the pain, which supposedly goes away after the first few weeks. Maybe my nipples just needed a bit of toughening up.

I also tried adjusting her latch so she had more of the areola in her mouth. Her comfort nursing was the most painful, so after she fell asleep I'd sneak the binky in instead of my breast. Funny enough, she now wanted to nurse almost all of the time- even refusing the bottle sometimes. We settled in to some sort of routine. She still never seemed satisfied at the end of a feeding session, even when she chose to end it, so I'd offer her a bottle. The nipple pain was diminishing, and I finally was able to relax more and let nursing do me some good as well. It finally seemed like smooth sailing.

And then I got mastitis.

I followed the doc's instructions to keep nursing and pumping to relieve the hardness and swelling, along with a round of antibiotics. The redness and boob pain went away after a couple of days, but shortly after my nipple pain returned. The anxiety I had experienced every time she was hungry increased. I had become conditioned to slightly panic every time she wanted to eat.

I have a variety of emotions about this. I want to do what's best for her, but I need to take myself into consideration as well. On the one hand, I am grateful that I have enough milk to feed her with. On the other hand, it has been such a hassle and struggle that maybe weaning her now would make it easier for both of us. I've talked to other moms that have had similar problems that nursed for shorter periods of time. I also have a cousin who pumped for 6 months because she could not get her oldest to go back to breastfeeding. But for some reason I've attached some of my self-worth as a mother to my ability to nurse my child. I am envious of other moms I've seen who effortlessly pop their babies on/off their boobs for 15-20 minutes, and the child is happily satisfied for a few hours. When I can get my baby on, she wants to stay there for hours, and never seems satisfied. Nowadays she 's fallen into a bad habit of falling asleep after a few swallows and wants to comfort nurse all of the time, which is the most painful for me. Perhaps I am a rare exception to the pain rule. Positions and latch adjustments do not make a difference.

For some reason, I feel like I would be a bad mother if I chose to wean her at only 2 months and go to full-time bottle feeding. This doesn't seem fair to the moms that have had to resort to other options. Their children seem just as happy and healthy as the rest. But not only does the cost of formula scare me, the horror stories about tainted formula cause me anxiety as well. I really have no idea what is in the formula I feed my child- I have to trust it is what the label claims it to be. And the thought of pumping several times every day, plus feeding, plus washing the bottles is somewhat exhausting. But I feel that we can bond with a bottle just as easily as nursing. It would be less of an emotional stress on me, and less confusing fo her without constantly switching from breast to bottle. The idea calms me, but at the same time I feel guilty. Women in olden times didn't really have that option, did they? I'm sure they found a way to feed their babies, whether by a wet nurse or some sort of bottle and alternative food source. Really, the thought that I should torture myself because ancient women had to is ridiculous, and does not show gratitude for the blessings of our modern-day world. And I shouldn't think that this is my only opportunity to nurse a child. Perhaps my second baby will be easier. Not only that, but trying to force her to breastfeed like that could affect our relationship.

I am also having anxiety over another matter. 3-4 days into my round of antibiotics, I remembered that antibiotics + birth control = no bueno. That was how Lily's second cousin, born 5 days after her, came to be. My boobs were very sore during my first trimester carrying Lily. Not to mention my insatiable hunger and thirst the last couple of days, along with a very slight pressure in my abdomen, I've also read that a second pregnancy can cause feelings of restlessness and soreness while breastfeeding. Certainly it would explain my mood swings.

I don't think that it is likely, but at the same time, I have to wonder- would I be able to handle it? Would it be worth it to me to continue breastfeeding while carrying a second child? That would muchly depend on how long I can stand the pain of being gnawed on during a very sensitive period for my boobs. And I would be concerned for the development of another very tiny person. Most likely if that were to happen I would pump a few times a day and give her formula the rest of the day. I'm not sure I could handle two babies under the age of two. The plan was to wait at least until after Lily's first birthday before trying again. I for some reason had this crazy notion about wanting to be pregnant again- but it was a crazy notion I'd chosen not to act upon. Accidents happen. That sounds horrible. I hadn't planned on having Lily, but I had really wanted her. We were not financially ready for it. It was divine providence that we got to where we did before she came. I would gladly welcome another child whenever they chose to come to our family, but I would like to be actively trying first!

Sheesh, all this steeling myself for the possibility has made me excited. It might be harder to accept that I am not pregnant if I keep thinking about what if I am! I seriously doubt it.

The point I am trying to make to myself is, I have to do what is best for my children and what will bring me peace. If I need to be unconventional, so be it. I cannot make an accurate comparison between what works for me and what worked for someone else. My situation is unique, and so are my needs. As long as my baby(ies) are healthy and happy, and it keeps me mentally sane, that is the important thing. If you've stuck with me throughout this ridiculously long post, I appreciate it, though this therapy is more for me than it is for you. I am my harshest critic. I need to cut me a bit of slack and not worry about my work ethic if I choose to take a few shortcuts along the way.

tummy troubles

so, I finally squeezed my butt into a pair of my prepreggo pants today. It's been a little over nine weeks since I gave birth to my sweet little Lily, and several months since I've worn the pants. While it makes me feel good that i can get them on, the picture is not pretty. My untoned jell-o tummy hangs over the edges and out underneath one of the 3 long-sleeved prepreggo shirts that I own which, last year, was a tad bit too large for me.
Given the circumstances I think that this would be a veritable excuse for going shopping, but our limited financial means make it virtually impossible for me to do so (And since my pregnancy only lasted about a week or two into the cold season, I really didn't have any warm preggo wear. So most of the time I wear a maternity t-shirt with a sweater and one of the two pairs of pants that fit me). I would love to go shopping for Lily, but since she was given so many hand-me-downs I really can't justify that, either. At least until she grows into the 6-9 month size.
Hand-me-downs are great, and they come in handy, but at the same time I wish I had an excuse to go out and get something I pick out myself that I can coordinate with everything else. I do appreciate the hand-me-downs, though. And before I know it I will have all kinds of chances to buy clothes for my little girl. More than I want, I suppose.
But man, I really wish I had clothes that fit me. Instead of my wardrobe being either too big or too small.