Spring Cleaning

It looks like I won't be getting any more sleep tonight. I've had to-do lists and shopping lists running through my head all night, not to mention I am starving but too tired to get up and forage for food. Most of all, I am just uncomfortable- and I still have way too far to go to not be getting enough sleep. My due date is 9 1/2 weeks away but I am expecting sooner than that we will have our second baby girl in our arms.
I still have things to do before then- and I feel like I am just waiting for time to pass so I can get all the things done that I need to and finally relax. I can't really say I'd be breathing easier since my lungs feel so squished right now that I don't think it would make all that big of a difference (I've got a BAD case of the nesting instinct- and it probably isn't going away any time soon).
Because our apartment lacks a lot of essential storage space, we have a lot of stuff and not a lot of space to put it in. To try and squish in a fourth (though very small) person, I've constantly been arranging and rearranging our apartment (mostly the babies' room) to try and find the best way to maximize our space and get rid of the stuff that we really don't need. Most of our furniture is old and junky, and if we were rich I would probably go out and buy all new furniture. But we aren't; so I have to content myself with simply finding budget-friendly solutions for our storage needs. I've spent days working on the girl's room, trying to cram baby gear into every nook and cranny I can find, including the limited amount of space underneath the two cribs. The room is pretty small and barely fits two cribs, a dresser, changing table and glider. I'd move the glider out to the living room but it is wall-to-wall furniture in there as well. Today I think I might rearrange our bedroom closet, and see if I can't finish some of the unfinished decor projects I've started on and halfway finished.

Ok, so the holidays are over, which means that my least favorite part of winter is here. It's just cold and there really isn't anything for me to look forward to except Spring and the end of winter. I start to get antsy for Spring as soon as January hits. I have more than one reason to look forward to Spring this year- and more than one reason to appreciate winter. We'll have our second girl sometime in early spring, which means that I have a few more months of rest before the sleepless nights start again.

A brief summary of our holidays:

Lily's second christmas was a little more eventful than her first. She was only six weeks last year; this year she was a little more interested in what was going on. She isn't really old enough to rip open the wrapping paper on her own, so we helped her quite a bit, but by the end she was starting to get the hang of it. It was really cute to watch her tear off tiny bits of paper at a time, look at it, and proceed to tear another tiny bit of paper off her presents. She got a few new toys and a couple of books. I think she had the most fun with her stocking though, pulling out the toys from inside. After video chatting with Grandma, we went to dinner at Sam and Prescott's house and had some more fun. I got a steam cleaner and a new set of pots and pans that I've had my eye on for months.

For New Year's we went to my sister's apartment in Lindon. My mom and youngest sister were visiting from California. We played a few games to while away the time, put together a puzzle, celebrated the stroke of midnight and went to bed. After a turkey dinner the next evening we returned home so Matt could go to work the next morning.

I have a toddler?

when did that happen!?!

During the first couple of weeks after Lily was born, I kept hearing about how fast she would grow and how quickly the time would go. The first few weeks had felt like the longest of my life- struggling to get a handle on motherhood while still trying to recover from the exhaustion of delivery and the almost week we were in the hospital and few days after with the bili lights while Lily had jaundice. Before I knew it, my baby was a month old, then two, three, and so on, until she turned one year old just a couple of weeks ago.

Now we are expecting another girl- and I am wondering if I will be able to handle two teenage girls at once. I'm getting ahead of myself, I guess; before they become teenagers, I will have to learn how to juggle two babies at once with different needs. If I go all the way to my due date, they will be about 17 months apart, but since I didn't make it to 39 weeks with Lily I am expecting this baby will come a little earlier as well. What in the world will we name her? I've only been thinking of boy names, expecting to have a boy this time around. It will come, I'm sure. We have a few months to figure it out.

Lily Speaks!

Since all the months are starting to run together, I decided I'd better make a record of things I've heard Lily say so far, so I can record them for her in her scrapbook or something one day.
Other than mommy and daddy, she started saying nana, baba, hi, and yeah. She's also said nite nite, kitty, cat, doggie, stinky, unh-uh, messy, and bye-bye. She'll say "at" or "dat" when she's pointing to something, so I tell her what it is, and sometimes she tries to repeat it back. She says a lot of things that I can't understand yet, or maybe it's just baby- talk. I think she is going to be my little talker, 'cause she sure babbles a lot!

Is there something wrong with me?

...Other than the fact that I have not updated my blog in over a month. In my defense, I have been rather busy since then, and any spare time I have is usually spent playing catch-up on those things that have become neglected during the week, such as the pile of dishes in the sink, or the piles of dirty laundry and garbage that seem to accumulate when there is not a woman home all the time to pick them up. Plus the lists of drugs and other things about pharmacy life that I am trying to cram in my brain when I have a spare moment. Yep, I've been busy. And since yet again the coupons are missing from my sunday papers, I have a little bit of time to myself while the baby sleeps. Though admittedly I haven't cut last week's coupons yet....

Anyway, I've had 2 tests in my pharmacy tech class so far. I did well on the first test; I'm not feeling so confident about last Thursday's test. I hope I did better than I think I did. I'm really trying hard to get the majority of my work done before spring semester, seeing as I will have a second baby in the house before school is over. I've been working about 20 hrs a week combined in the hospital and a local pharmacy; I'm hoping to have my 200 required hours done before the start of spring semester so I can be ready to take the national licensing exam around February or March. If I can pass it before the end of spring semester, I will get an automatic 100 percent on the final exam, and the rest of the class should be a breeze. I was really hoping that I would be done with school before I was due with this baby. Unfortunately, graduation is the first week of May and I am due the second week of April (I just realized I haven't posted anything since I found out my due date- April 12th). So I won't get to walk across the stage at graduation with my huge pregnant belly, but I will get to have another baby in my arms.

We are really hoping for a boy this time, and I've been having some really strange dreams. In one of those dreams I gave birth to a dark-haired mexican-looking boy in my friend's camp trailer, and she was my delivery nurse. The inside of the trailer looked like a tiny hospital room. In another dream, there were two cribs right next to each other (which may end up coming true since we will need 2 cribs), and there was a dark-haired curly girl in one and a boy in the other (Lily was right next to me). I kept trying to see what the boy looked like, but I could only look at the girl. I had 2 dreams where Lily wasn't my biological daughter; we found her in the first dream; and in the second she was the daughter of some sibling of Matt's that doesn't exist in real life. Her parents didn't want her so we raised her. It really confused me until I remembered that she is my daughter, I gave birth to her!

I've had a lot of dreams about girls, and some about boys. I only dreamed about boys before I knew that Lily was a girl... so what do these dreams mean? No, I don't think it's twins, I would be a lot bigger and I would've been told at my first doctor's appointment when they did the ultrasound. I've been looking at boy clothes and boy stuff and thinking of boy names, and Matt and I (sort of) have a name we've talked about. I've also got a girl name in the back of my head, and both names feel right.

Speaking of names...
I'm not sure if it is just me, but I really feel weird using words such as wonderful, sweet, amazing, or incredible when talking about my husband. I suppose don't want someone else to feel bad if they don't feel that way about their spouse, like I'm trying to say my husband is better than theirs. Or that I'm using them because I'm just trying to convince myself he is. I'm not saying that other people shouldn't praise their husbands for the wonderful things they do; it is a positive thing, after all. I guess I'm just a little more private about it. I seem to have no problem praising my child (she is the perfect child, after all :P), but for some reason, I feel odd doing so about my husband. Maybe because I know he'll never read my blog anyway. I do try to let him know how I feel, but somehow I feel weird sharing that with other people. Is there something wrong with me?

Diffr'nt Strokes

In those few moments between my head hitting the pillow and sleep, I had one of those thoughts that make perfect sense to you at the time. Well, I went to sleep and forgot exactly what it was, but I do remember thinking that parenthood will either make you or break you as a couple. Having a child will either bond you together through your joy and struggles, or the differences in your parenting styles will give you something to fight about that drives you apart.

I was comparing my parents and trying to figure out which parent was more lenient and which parent wouldn't let me get away with as much. My dad was usually looser when it came to something we wanted at the store or if we wanted a treat at an amusement park. Mom didn't let us get treats as often as dad did. but I was more afraid of being spanked by my dad, mom would just send us to our room or ground us. When it came to friends or having sleepovers, it was easier to get mom's cooperation- and she usually didn't mind as much when we made a lot of noise.

Frankly, I think I am a combination of both my parents' styles. I will prolly be the more patient one when it comes to whiny kids and naughty behavior. I intend to help my children understand why their behavior is unacceptable, rather than just punish them because I feel upset at them. If I can detach myself from their behavior emotionally, I think it will keep me from yelling at them. I'm not sure if I will use a time-out chair or the corner as a punishment. The theory I favor right now ("theory" since it has yet to be put into action) is calmly telling my child to go to their room "because you need to calm down and mommy needs a break from your behavior". Not sure yet if it will work- every child learns differently. Right now if Lily is just plain whiny we put her down for a nap, unless I suspect one of her basic needs requires attention.

I'm not quite certain what Matt's parenting style is. I'd like to say we've talked in depth about it, but honestly you don't know what your style is until you raise a kid. Matt's dad was a raging drunk for most of his childhood from what he's told me, and while I don't think he will be as hard a parent to live with (helps he doesn't drink), I think he might not be as patient a parent as I am. I am a people pleaser so I might find it a harder job to discipline my children. As long as we support each other though I think it will be okay.

Matt thinks this baby is a boy; we both knew that Lily was a girl. We won't know for at least another month yet. I don't even know my due date yet... but I do hope that we get at least one of each variety. I never had any brothers and always wanted one, so I hope that Lily gets at least one brother and one sister. Guess we'll know soon enough, but the guessing game is driving me crazy! I see lots of CUTE boy clothes and would love to add them to my baby collection.

Epiphany

I was somwhat inspired by a talk a lady in my ward gave in church on Sunday. Mostly it was on how God prepares us for trials and through trials for things that will happen later in life. While I still don't understand what most of my trials were in preparation for (some of them I brought upon myself), I had an epiphany during the talk. I don't remember what the words were that inspired it, but I began thinking about what we are here for- to prove that we are faithful to Heavenly Father, to grow and learn things, to obtain a body, find a companion and start a family... and I had a thought- one reason I have trials is to learn how to solve my own problems.

Surely we will still be faced with difficult decisions, and problems will still arise in the next life. Because our mortal cares are behind us does not mean that we won't faced with immortal cares. I will need the problem solving skills I learn in this life to help me with the next. Along with emotional challenges, unemployment is really a logistics problem: how to still provide for basic necessities when means are limited? What would be a constructive way to deal with all the extra time while looking for a job? How do I still maintain my self-respect when obtaining a job proves to be difficult? Will I continue to maintain the moral standards I have set for myself?

Having an eternal perspective can be the hardest thing ever, during times of little and times of plenty. It is easy to get caught up in material things when you do have enough. When you have little it is easy to be upset at the one person whose fault it is not: our Father. It is true, we don't know what his plan is, and when we don't receive the things that we believe to be good for us, it is depressing. When Matt was out of work it was hard on everybody. I had difficulty reading the scriptures like I used to, and my prayers were more like occasional postcards rather than frequent phonecalls.

We tried for months to keep our heads above water, and finally had to sacrifice the one thing we were trying to prevent losing: Matt's $500/month Mustang. We tried selling it, but were so upside down on the payments that finally we decided to get rid of it and turned it in. we knew we would still have to make payments but wouldn't be paying insurance or maintenance on it any longer. Beautiful though it was, that car was an accident magnet anyway. I suppose the lesson I learned was this: sometimes you have to make a sacrifice to get what you are asking for. The very next day Matt was offered a job.

We moved in with his parents for four months, hoping that Matt would be hired on permanently at the coal mine he was now working at. He was a contractor, and contractors have lower pay and no beneits. I was expecting out first child and most of my paychecks went to pay the ridiculously priced benefits my hospital offered (Ironic, huh? I shouldn't transferred hospitals; then I wouldve made way more and had cheaper benefits.) Even when we moved into our apartment Matt was still a contractor, and when Lily was born, he was still a contractor. Finally at Christmastime he was offered a permanent position. The second lesson I learned: sometimes you need to take a leap of faith. Thank goodness he was hired on while I was still on leave.

One other thing I learned: when you do get what you ask for, your problems don't go away overnight. we are STILL recovering from the damage that nine months of unemployment cost us. Mostly we are caught up, but as a result of being behind on bills last year, we couldn't pay our hospital bill when it came, so we are STILL paying it off... and now we've got another anticipated hospital bill. I really hope our tax return will cover it. Plus my tuition for this year.

Another thing being without has taught me is to share what I do have with others. I love having people over for dinner, and I don't mind giving away what I don't need. I hate clutter anyway.

I suppose I also learned how important a food storage is, so that if we are unable to purchase food we will at least have enough that we won't starve. I've been working on building it up, but we still have quite a long way to go. While I don't understand what all of my trials are for yet, I have learned that I can solve some of my problems on my own- but never without help, of course.