A new mommy's mishaps, mayhem, and majesty

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Ramblings of an insomniac

It is in that state between dreaming and being fully awake that I often have the most clarity and can see things as they really are. A fleeting epiphany. It is during these times that I learn the most about myself. Unfortunately, my brilliant ideas almost always never make it out of my head and onto paper. Much of my thoughts are lost at this point, though I will try to regurgitate what I can remember...
I've held myself back for years, probably because I am trying to preserve a time in my life that has passed and never will return again. Change scares me, a lot more than I admit to myself. I love my little girls with all my heart, but I find myself wishing I had fewer responsibilities and that I could go back to a simpler time in my life. I have yet to graduate college because that means I finally have to face the rest of my mortal life. That scares me. I fear age. I've been afraid to imagine what my life will be like when I am 40, 50, 60, etc. I suppose not allowing myself to think about it prevents me from setting worthy goals for me to accomplish in my lifetime. Instead I set my sights on much shallower goals, rather than goals that will be of use to me for all eternity. Perhaps watching my girls grow, and seeing how fleeting their babyhood really is, shows me that I need to start making for myself goals that will enable me to change for the better. Change during mortality is hard- but it will be made even more difficult after mortality. Alma 34:32-34 comes to mind (that is the scripture mastery about procrastination, right? I've been out of seminary too long)- "see that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end- for after this day in life which is given us to prepare for eternity; behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed...for that same spirit which doth posses your bodies at the time when ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to posses your body, in that eternal world".
Now that I've realized this about myself- the next step is, what will I do about it? Read my patriarchal blessing, for one... as for the next step, I'm not sure. Obviously I need to start allowing myself to move forward. Time is not going to stand still.
Some changes are only as permanent as I want them to be. I've wanted for years to find my own style of decorating and my personal style, as well. I've been looking for permanent solutions to a temporary problem. I've wanted a classic, permanent style.  It doesn't exactly work that way- things get old, worn out, broken, lost; and if something survives long enough, I get tired of it. I've wanted my styles to impress other people. So I get anxious and stay in my comfort zone, and deny myself of what I really want to try. I've heard over and over again to go with what I like, what makes me happy, etc.... but for me it isn't that easy. What I really want, though, is a home that feels friendly and open, where friends and family like to come over and spend time with our family. I want a home where my kids feel the spirit, and everyone who comes to visit can feel it too.
Looks like I have my work cut out for me.